Monday, January 26, 2009

Yellow Teeth, Fuzzy Beards and Photographers With Hearing Loss

This blog is about an excessively overdone cliché that needs to be stopped before I become nauseated in the magazine aisle. I’d like to pose the following questions about metal heads and guitar players:

Why do they always look like you’ve stubbed all ten toes simultaneously?

Why are they so angwy and mean and scawee wookin ? Do they realize that we can’t here them screaming on the cover of a magazine? If you know someone who does this, please inform them that it’s a photo, and it can not reproduce sound.

Apparently, somewhere in the 80s it became an unspoken requirement for the so-called Metal God/Godess to look like the bastard child of a pissed off Barbarian and a drunken Hell’s Angel. But are they really yelling and flexing in the face of the innocent and undeserving photographer? Maybe they’re just pretending, and maybe they’re actually nice and polite gentlemen who are forced to grow massive amounts of facial and body hair and are unwillingly required to bear their fangs like a grizzly in attack mode.

Either way, I can’t decide which scenario is more lame. Them screaming at the photo shoot, or them pretending to scream at the photo shoot. I hope one day we can return to more mature band photos... like tight clothes and bushy Afros.

Monday, January 5, 2009

“You will eat your veggies, and you’ll like them young man!”

Are you tired of mainstream media telling you which artists are good and which records to buy? I know I am! Let’s face it, it’s fairly obvious that their turd polishing skills expand as quickly as the recording technology that polishes it for them does. Well, I have good news friends. We don’t need these MEGA-GIGANTIC-SUPER-LABELS anymore. The fate of the record industry is finally in our hands, not theirs.

We are witnessing one of the most exciting and pivotal points in music history, the beginning of of a musical explosion! Here’s what’s happening: Major labels are losing their grip because they can’t seem to roll with the punches, and the last time I saw MTV, I was on a treadmill at the gym reading the subtitles to a mindless reality show. Soon enough, cars will no longer be built with radio antennas, but you know what they will have... You guessed it, iPod connectability! On the other side of playlist, recording technology and internet networking allows virtually any musician to make a record and distribute it worldwide. This means that we no longer have to be force-fed the generic “name brand” music by the mainstream. We want to create and find music on our own.

So, what do we do? What does the new and improved, high-tech, html code knowing, Photbucket savvy, Youtube friendly, CD Baby registered, frequent Myspace bulletin poster do to stay afloat in this digital tsunami? Here’s a short list of guidelines for aspiring musicians and music listeners:

1. Tighten up your chops please. Six powerchords won’t cut it anymore, you’re not Nirvana and the 1990s will soon be considered vintage. There is an abundance of musical knowledge available, take your craft seriously and learn music theory. This only applies to you if music is your life and you’d like it to be your job. If it’s only a hobby, then you only need 12 powerchords.

2. Stop playing for free beer. It hurts everyone.

3. Avoid playing 5 nights a week in the same town. America is huge, spread out a bit.

4. Anyone can make an album nowadays. Make sure it sounds good, find the right studio and take the time to make your album unique and enjoyable. Our ears are not very accepting of sloppy rush job of an album.

5. Don’t try to do it all yourself. Assemble a solid team that you can trust.

Music Lovers:
1. Find new music. It’s all around you. Visit that random band that “befriends you” on Myspace. Check out internet, cable and satellite stations that can expose you to new songs, new artists and new albums.

2. Support the music that you like. I’m sorry, but if you want a band to keep putting out new music, than you have to make some sort of donation. Download the new single, but the CD, go to the show, get a t-shirt or a sticker. You don’t have to do it all, but every little bit helps keep that artist that you like making music. It’s really an investment in your entertainment.

3. Share your music, but don’t just give it away. This means play your collection for your friends and encourage them to buy their own copy. Just liking an artist and litening to them on repeat mode doesn’t keep the music coming.

If we do this right, we can resucitate the music industry. Good musicians and songwriters finally have an equal chance to be heard and I can stop trying to invent a time machine to take me back to 1969. It’s safe to say that most of us don’t like to be told what to do. Unless you’re kinky. If that’s the case, you may be reading the wrong blog, I apologize for the misleading title. This is our chance to call the shots.

Keep on rockin!
Jason Gloria